Contemplation
by CF-fanfiction
Summary: oneshot: Cold weather, lessthanwelcome company and guilty anger do not make a good mix. Or do they? Yuki finds out that the worst circumstances can bring about the best changes. :COMPLETE:


Chaos: Greeting to all! This seemed like a fitting piece for my entrance into the Furuba fandom. It may be noted that when I wrote this I only had up to book 5, and none of the anime, so a couple of things are a bit uneven, but it's still a nice little character study. Without further ado…

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"This is so stupid." He says for the millionth time, with a hoarse half-laugh that has no feeling behind it. I don't say anything – I know that he's just trying to initiate conversation, anything to distract himself from the guilt and the cold.

And it really _is_ cold, and I guess I do worry for him somewhere, but I'm far too busy being angry to show it. I'm glaring straight ahead, refusing to look at him, smouldering with anger so hard that I don't feel that cold, really.

I'm not sure why I'm so much more angry with him than normal – I mean, he's done similar to this before… but it just makes me want to turn around and kill him for being so brainless and air-headed as usual. He's supposed to be an adult, yet he's always so damned carefree.

I guess I'm jealous. I just wish that I could be like that, so light-tempered and easy-going, letting everything just bounce off me. He is the snake after all – he takes everything and then sheds it like an old skin, pretending it doesn't happen, always ready to try again.

And again and again and again, and it makes me so angry. I wish he'd give it a rest and leave me alone, because he doesn't take any notice of what I say – he's too busy assuming that I agree with him.

And then something like this happens, and I get a rare moment of peace, because he can't ignore what's happened because it's so important. He's really feeling guilty this time, I suppose, otherwise he'd just be chattering on endlessly.

Perhaps he knows that I might turn around and kill him this time. I never usually get this angry, but every single thing he does just serves to spark my temper a little more. Honestly, I'd rather spend a week in a small room with Kyo than hang around Ayame for a day.

My breathing is fast and angry, little huffs of steam in the cold air, and I'm folding my arms so hard that I'm nearly choking myself, completely tense and ready to snap. He must know that, just this once, he's gone too far.

The wind whistles around the porch. It could be hours before Shigure starts to notice our absence, hours in the cold and the wind.

"Really. This is stupid."

"Don't talk to me." I say. Somehow I make my voice smooth and cold, when all I want to do is turn around and hit him. This must be what Kyo feels like when he's trying to control his temper. Stupid cat.

The station closed about half an hour ago, and we ended up just sitting on the porch outside, with me bristling and him in a rare regretful silence.

The wind blows especially hard, sending a few strands of frosty white hair into my face. I lash out heatedly, a bit harder than I mean to, and several hairs are tugged out, drifting away into the frost.

Ayame draws in his breath a little sharper but doesn't protest, and instead makes a futile attempt to pull his hair out of the wind. Why does he have to have it so long, anyway? He just looks like an idiot. A carefree idiot who doesn't care what people think of him.

I could never be like that. I don't how he does it, damn him.

"I'm sorry." He says quietly.

I pause, testing the words for sincerity. There's no mocking laugh behind them, for once, and they seem small and empty. Oh, I just want to kill him! He's sounding like a puppy that's been booted into a corner.

I growl an incoherent response, hunching further forward as the wind cuts past once more.

"Really. I'm sorry, Yuki. This is my fault."

Oh, for God's sake.

"I know that! I'm not a _complete_ idiot… unlike you. What do you want me to do, forgive you!"

I can't. The moment I did he would spark up and act as though it never happened, as though it's a happyhappy brother-to-brother sit-down together, and not that we're stranded in the cold and it's his fault.

"Really, is that any way to talk to your dear brother?" He attempts half-heartedly, with a smile that gets up and immediately falters and trips over. I look away with a snort of disgust, still too angry to pay attention to how he's shivering, eyes beginning to glow a little.

The idiot only wore a jacket, no coat like me. Never thinks ahead. Well, he deserves to freeze.

I remember the last time this happened. Well, Shigure told me. Ayame went out to the library or something, completely carefree. Halfway back he must have sat down for a rest – getting cold – and transformed. He was only lucky that it was already late and the park was deserted.

It wasn't until an hour later that Hatori came out to look for him – both he and Shigure went onto high alert in winter when Ayame came around – and found him.

He slept for almost five days straight. Hibernating, Shigure said, though if they hadn't found him for a bit longer then he might've…

Well, why am I thinking this, anyway? It's just making me calmer, and more likely to forgive him. He needs to learn a lesson for once, otherwise this is going to keep on happening.

What kind of an idiot assures his friend that he'll get a taxi home from the station, and only then remembers that he didn't _bother_ to bring enough money! He makes me sick sometimes.

He spent the entire day dancing around, dragging me along, a brother-bonding day uptown and isn't this fun, Yuki? I kept telling him that I hated it, and to take me home. But he just blithely ignored everything I said, and carried on, trying so hard to make me have fun.

He doesn't get it. I know he wants us to be closer, but for God's sake why can't he start trying to work out what I'm like? Not everybody in the world is the same as him, and not everybody likes to be shoved around all the time by a hyperactive moron.

He just wants to get noticed, with his long hair and amber eyes and crazy attitude. He loves attention. I _hate_ it. Why can't he understand that!

His breathing really is slow now, and when I chance a glance I can see that he's looking away, hair falling over his face, hugging himself so hard to try and keep warm. This is his own fault. I don't care…

What would Honda-san say if she saw us now…?

… Well, first she'd probably scream.

"This… this hasn't been a very successful day, h-has it?"

My temper has simmered down now, with all this reminiscing. I'm not like Kyo, ready to rip somebody's throat out every minute of the day. I can only stay angry for so long.

"No. It hasn't." I mutter.

And I suppose I only became angry as a defence. When he finished searching his wallet for the third time, and looked up and gave me this doomed, guilty smile, I just felt so terrible thinking about how he must feel that I completely lost my temper.

And after the taxi driver finished sneering - and nii-san finished apologising – and drove away, I shouted. For once I didn't care who was watching, even though it was pretty quiet.

I yelled at him as loud as I could. He had ruined my day by dragging me out here, and I had never wanted to go at all, and what kind of brother did he think he was! He was an idiot, that was what, and I never wanted to speak to him again, and thanks a lot for wasting my time over and over again and never giving me a minute's peace, did he think we were actually getting anywhere? No, we weren't, and he could just stop it and leave me alone, because I never wanted him as a brother ever, at all, and I hated him!

I did regret that last bit.

And throughout the entire thing, he just stood there and took it, and nodded. And that infuriated me even more, so that I eventually just stomped over to the station porch and completely zoned out of it to let my rage simmer down a little.

Eventually I came back into it, and he was sitting next to me, subdued, sometimes trying to break the silence by telling me how stupid it all was.

And now it's half an hour later and I doubt Shigure's even noticed yet. Oh, I want to go _home_… I normally walk Honda-san back from work, especially on days like this, but instead I'm stuck outside a deserted station with an insane brother.

"I… g-guess I… thought it would be f-fun."

My anger's completely blown out now. I'm starting to feel cold too, and it brings out the dejection and defeat that I felt at first. His kicked-puppy whimpering is starting to take effect.

"It… wasn't so bad." I mutter. What am I saying? It was torture the entire time. Even… even for Ayame. He was just a little too hyper, too happy, trying to make me happy too, desperate to make it fun for both of us.

God, now I feel worse than before.

"Ha… ha, ha ha… l-liar. I… I, ha ha… I tried so h-hard but… you really d-didn't… enjoy it at all." The weak laughing fades away and his tone becomes withdrawn, quiet. Not like him at all… and when I look up his eyes have glazed over completely.

"… Ayame?"

He slips suddenly, but even before he hits the ground there's a puff of grey smoke and he disappears inside his jacket. There he goes… and there's not even a twitch of movement. He must have been colder than he let on.

I sigh, and slowly reach down, pulling his jacket aside to reveal silvery scales. I… I think I understand him a little better now, somehow. He really does try to make me happy, because he just wants me to be as free as he is.

'_You should try and meet each other halfway…'_

Yes, Honda-san was right. I've seen him, and he's seen me. Maybe now we can meet in the middle.

I reach down, lifting the sleeping snake into my lap. Even when I was so angry I could kill him, I don't think that I would just let him freeze. Shigure will get here soon, we'll go home… and this whole thing will just be another bad memory.

"Ayame?"

The cold scales shift slightly under my hand.

"I don't hate you."


End file.
